I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
