it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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