The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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