I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
