I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
