Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
