True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
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Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
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last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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