If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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