there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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