My liver just broke up with me...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
