Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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