you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
