I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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