I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
