Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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