I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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