Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
