I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
