I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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