What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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