i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
