just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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