If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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