I just saw a hot homeless man
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
