Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
