I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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