I'm laying in your front yard are you home
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
