In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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