by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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