oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
