I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
