his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
