I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
