i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Randomize
