Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
