Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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