Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
