Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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