Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
