I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
