My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
