I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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