he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
two words...techno handjob
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
