Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
