we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
