She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
