she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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