So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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