she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
