Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
