Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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