dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
