Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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