Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
