Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
