Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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